THE QUESTIONING

Why do I believe?

Why would I believe?

Do we really need help?

Forgiveness?

Yes

Why would someone want to please someone else rather than him/herself?

Because this?

What makes a person think he/she wants what a god wants for life?

Maybe this?

Anytime I am randomly faced with questions like this, YHWH always seems to take me back. He, in all His grace, reveals the past I have lived and reminds me how much He was there. Doubting and double-mindedness disappear in an instant, whether that came from myself, the adversary, or another person. I simply cannot repudiate the protection, leading, and convicting Father YHWH has done throughout my entire walk, even before He opened my eyes to His wonderful Truth.

There are days that come with discouragement. It seems I am hit with second-guessing and a lack of faith towards what I need to do or work on; I don’t know why these days come. When they do, if I cry out to Him, He graciously hears and encourages me somehow; YHWH usually uses music to get my heart and perspective in a much better place. He recently put a melody on my lips during one of the days I felt discouraged. Check it out below!

I thank Him the most on these days, because without Him, I would have been (and still be) stuck in a pit that I myself have dug. I can’t say He does not exist. His strong hand is just simply there to help me back up again and again.

He is so good… too good.

He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our Elohim.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the Most High.

A new melody from Yah is a blessing because it gets stuck in my (once faithless-thinking) head.

THE STORY

Childhood

• I was raised in a blended family of 7.
• I grew up in child daycares, which helped me develop very strong social skills and interactions. I was taught some Bible stories, moral principles, and how to get along.
  • Though I felt distant from my homelife and family, I am grateful to have spent those years around nice teachers/role models and other children my age. I learned the values of friendship, reading, being creative, and having a daily routine.
• My life at home was never dull. I always had someone to talk to or fight with (lol), piles of toys to play with, animals to care for and love, as well as, reliable & loving parents and grandparents to run to.
  • Though we all had to find ways to live together under the same roof with our differences, I genuinely miss those times. The memories that were made are cherished, and I often long to rewind to a day when we were all back together in one home. We all grow up so fast.

Academic Life

• My parents separated during the time I was in the fifth grade. My homelife then transitioned into two: two homes, two sides of family/separate gatherings, two neighborhoods, two bedrooms, etc.
  • I remember packing bags a lot since I went from parent to parent throughout each week. It wasn’t difficult really, but definitely different.
• I had a hunger for music; I began learning how to play instruments, dance, and sing.
  • I got involved in dance classes, choir classes, church worship bands, and I also performed live music sets with memorable youth groups and pastors, as well as, with some of my most beloved friends.
• My school life was extremely busy, on top of my double homelife.
  • I had practices for competitive/sideline cheerleading, track, cross country, basketball, and the different musical bands I was in. I tried to take on other extracurriculars as well, though I found out it wasn’t humanly possible (haha). I got very little sleep during these years because I didn’t want to sacrifice getting “B’s” in my classes either. Because of this, my nervous system went into overdrive, though I didn’t want to stop. I currently am facing the effects of these past choices today.
• My health took a turn during the 4 years of high school, and I was experiencing numerous symptoms with an unknown cause. A majority of these symptoms were related to food allergies and intolerances.
  • Because of this, I developed some eating disorders and held on tightly to a negative body image. I experienced spiritual attacks from the enemy on this subject and didn’t know how to deal with them.
  • Also because of this, I became very interested in health. I studied up on nutrition, diet, and exercise. I was able to take Anatomy & Physiology college classes while in high school as well.
• During my junior year, I began going to another church regularly (in their youth group), and I happened to meet a handsome, and very talented drummer there. 🙂
• Towards the end of senior year, I had finally found an answer, at least, to what I was going through with my health.
  • High levels of heavy metals were found in most of my organs. This was caused by vaccinations I took before I began my freshman year of high school.
  • To rid of these metals, I drank certain dosages of plant-based medicines in my daily water intake prescribed by my whole health doctor. The levels were being extracted slowly- one organ at a time!
• The summer after I graduated, I believe I was made whole one night at a church camp I attended.
  • This was confirmed, a few days after I returned home, at one of my usual doctor visits. No more metals or symptoms– HalleluYah!

• That following autumn, I headed off to college for a degree in Music and a minor in Biblical Studies. I also took classes in Exercise Science and Nutrition.
  • Very burnt out from all the busyness and over-achieving I worked so hard to do during high school, I only attended this college for 1 year. My studies weren’t going well, I lacked the motivation I once had, and I had my mind set on getting married and becoming a homemaker.
  • Looking back, I could have learned a lot more than I did; I could have put my heart into it like I always did in the past. Though I regret how I spent my time there, as well as how I acted/thought, I did meet a lifelong friend. She is such an encouragement to me, even today. I am beyond grateful for her and believe meeting her was one of the main purposes YHWH desired to fulfill with this time provided at college.

• This same friend was used tremendously by the Heavenly Father in my deliverance from unhealthy fears and habits formed over the past few years of experiencing eating disorders (caused by my high school sickness) and an unhealthy body image. She also caused me to appreciate so many aspects of this life, especially Yah’s creation.
  • I was spiritually attacked by the adversary about my identity and outward appearance. I struggled to fight the lies I was being told and just believed them instead. My beloved friend, and sister in Messiah, kept me accountable on taking these thoughts captive and replacing them with His Truth. I think of James 4:7 and how true it is when I am reminded of this deliverance.

⁷ Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you.

James 4:7

Submit to how/what YHWH wants you to think/dwell on, do not accept opposing thoughts, and they will have no power.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.

Psalm 139:14

“Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.”

Proverbs 31:30

Year of Engagement

• After college, I moved back in with my beloved Momma. We both, as well as my Dad, had multiple jobs to help save up for my wedding. This was a very unsettling time for me: full of anticipation, planning, rushing around, and trying to please others.
• On a positive note, this year allowed for my efforts toward health and exercise to grow. I was able to get certified and trained to become a personal trainer, to assist YMCA members facing Parkinson’s Disease in improving their quality of life, and make at-home visits as a caretaker.
• If I wasn’t working, I was exercising too long, practicing yoga, or leaving town to see my fiance. I did not make much time for my family or to grow close to YHWH (because of the busy life I chose), though I “attended” that church twice a week.

Newlywed Life

• Well, we got married! I received a new name and a wonderful family!
  • I finally felt I was where I was supposed to be at this point in life and I felt a sense of relief from all the planning and people-pleasing.
• With this new chapter, I was given time because I dropped everything I was doing in my hometown to move to another.

• During the first year of marriage, YHWH blessed me with contentment and slowed me down (undeservingly) from my usual, “busy-bee” and “on-the-go” way of living. He caused me to realize the importance of the home and to just be.
  • Instead of rushing around with multiple jobs and keeping up with my physical appearance in a local gym still too often… I had one job, a home to keep up & appreciate, and a husband to love. I was able to sit down more and read YHWH’s Word and talk with Him.
• With this, came a lot of revelation and heart-changing.
  • I no longer felt the unhealthy pressure to wear make-up and style my hair every, single day because YHWH caused me to realize ONCE AGAIN that He made me perfect how I was, and that I can focus on being pleasing in His sight and not so much people (see the Scripture below).
  • I no longer caved to the guilt-driven need to go exercise all the time. I felt free. I felt like I no longer wasted time striving for worthless outcomes and instead, had time for what mattered: seeking YHWH’s heart on every aspect of my life.

²² And whatsoever we ask, we receive of him, because we keep his commandments, and do those things that are pleasing in his sight.

1 John 3:22

⁴ But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price.

1 Peter 3:4

• YHWH gave me the hunger to know His Word and all it has to say, from the very beginning to the end; I wanted the big picture… and His details are always so awe-inspiring as well; they string so many aspects together if you look for them!
  • With this hunger, I felt it was so much easier to read too. Instead of stumbling over sentences, I would read chapters and even books at a time. He is amazing!
• So with this Yah-given hunger only, I placed everything I was taught and everything I (thought I) knew about the Bible, a modern Christian-perspective, etc. to the side and I opened up that precious book of Scriptures with new eyes.
• YHWH brought a lot of things to the light; they were the things I was doing and believing that He was not pleased with.
  • These things specifically being: yoga, over-exercising and the motive behind why I exercised, how I dressed, and the worldly pride I obtained that was fueling these things. His correction is my protection- HalleluYah!

His correction is our protection.

• He exposed so many lies to me that this world shouts.
  • I was also led to various YouTube channels, believe it or not haha, that helped support what I was learning in His Word (ex. my identity, modesty, roles of a wife, Old Testament still applying today, the dangers of New Age and its teachings, indoctrinations (& empty, emotion-based, self-seeking “teachings”) in modern-day churches, worldly holidays vs. Biblical holidays, and more).

• I am still shocked to this day from all the lies we are simply told or shown, and that we just immediately believe or conform without checking in. I was specifically believing lies that were MIXED with Truth. (I recommend reading “Come Out of Her My People” by C.J. Koster!)
• I urge you to ask the Most High to reveal His Truth to you if it be His will, and to expose any lies. {1 Timothy 2:4; Jeremiah 16:19}
  • Want to learn more? Feel free to check out some revelations of mine on this blog post.

• I was led to leave my current Sunday church and the worship team there, in hopes to find a congregation that followed the Bible.
  • After learning so much (from my eyes being opened), I honestly was angry for a while. I was upset I was lied to and taught incorrectly, though it was my fault for not looking into things deeper. I became overwhelmed with all the lies being taught behind pulpits and the whole “Sunday Church” tradition this world holds so high. I longed for Truth-based teachings, free of leaven.
• YHWH showed me several online ministries that were Biblically sound- praise Him!! I currently am involved in a few online fellowships, and Yah has given me contentment about this right now. I do hope to gather with like-minded believers in person on a regular basis, but until that happens, I will continue to pray and put my trust in Yah. (See my Resource page for some online ministries I trust.)

Current

• With the lack of in-person fellowship and being regularly involved in a worship band as in the past, there was a void that desperately needed filled.
  • I shared my needs to my beloved grandparents about this, and they prayed for me until their passing.
  • During the time of grief over this major loss, I was in prayer more due to the extreme weakness I felt of course.
• Yah used this time of closeness to speak to me one night.
  • I received specific instructions in my spirit to create a website, what to name it, and that it was to be used for the songs (“melodies” rather) that I’ve been given and will be given to write.
    • (I know this seems crazy! lol I also had no clue on how to make a website or where to start, but He was surely my help!)

Yah gave me a unique purpose for my temporary life here.

• Abba YHWH gave me my desired, musical-based purpose to strive for AND gave me a platform to share it! I also get to chat on here and enjoy writing out blog posts about Him, to whoever comes across this blessing of a website He has given.

• I have a new motivation in my efforts with music now, thank Yah, because of this website.
  • (I always gave up quickly when I would practice my instruments and songs because I never saw a way to put them to use, once they were finished.)
• Also, provisions were needed for having my own website, as well as, gear for recording music. Little by little, I can happily say He has practically given me most of those needs (thank you to my friends and family for your generosity and time!!!), and a few items I purchased were easily saved up for. No worries here- praise Yah. He does provide where He guides!
• Yah also uses this website to fill my desires to journal my life. I’ve always been so interested in trying to keep every detail of life’s moments in remembrance, and I struggled to write those down when I wanted to. This blog helps me to capture much more than I ever have before.

Oh how He knows us so well, and wants to meet the needs (we may not yet realize) we have.

LONG STORY- SHORT

He shows Himself.

Yah has shown Himself time and time again in my life; though I may be faced with thoughts of doubt or difficult questions some days, I could not and cannot deny Him and His ever-present help & protection. Yah has always been there and reminds me day by day that He is here.

He leads with patience.

I believe every stage of life and every circumstance I have lived so far, occurred for a reason and was necessary for molding me, testing me, teaching me, and uplifting me. Yah is graciously showing me His ways and how to live them out each day (with much patience and pardon).

He has freed me and protected me from the darkness.

I thank the Most High Elohim for freeing me from the darkness of yoga, eating disorders, sickness, spiritual attacks, indoctrination, unhealthy relationships, idols, and more.

I thank Him for His guidance and correction in my life, in order to protect me from things I am not aware of. I praise Yah for the deliverance He desires to bring over and over for me and those around me that ask and hope for it as well. YHWH is awesome! May we all taste and see that He is good.

He willingly opened my eyes.

He willingly opened my eyes and shed light on His Truth. By shedding His Light, He also revealed the darkness around me, so I could be delivered. My walk with Him- though it’s filled with my own shortcomings- has so much clarity now and I’m confident in what I believe.

I’m very grateful that YHWH chose to open my eyes and lead me out of the mainstream, modern-day church, so I can have clarity in His Truth and know His Word FIRST-HAND and not through another human’s words or studies. I’m grateful to be aware of my own identity (see below for more details) and to possibly be a help to others, if He so wills to use this faulty vessel.

I know what He wants for me to do.

I now know what matters to Him, which is maintaining a faith that works, carefully and wholeheartedly {Scripture here}. My belief should come with actions, specifically based on the instructions (most people call this the ‘Torah’, which is Hebrew for law or instructions) laid out in His entire Word (not only in the New Testament). If you would like more details, see my Resource page for recommended ministries or see another blog post of mine here.

Obedience to Yah’s precious Word is needed. And if we don’t know what it says, then what/who are we really following? Our love for Him is shown by keeping His commands and following the example He Himself set {Scripture here}.

He sees our needs and meets them.

• Yah saw my need to pursue music, and filled that void by blessing me with a website and melodies to share. This website encourages me to take more time for songwriting and producing, like I’ve always desired. Again- He is amazing!!!!

HalleluYah!

My Identity

Want more details? Scripture?

Not Sure What to Believe?

There are some discoveries to consider that gives the Scriptures their accuracy in the stories and prophecies they contain.

Personal Thoughts: What it Comes Down To…

In a world where we can be blinded by so many things and become unsure of everything around us, I know we can be sure in His work and what He has done (as we do our best to follow His example). You can call me biased, but it has proven true in my life. I am no longer confused, stressing out about my sinful nature, and trying to ignore the fact that there will be a judgement.

It’s all in YHWH and His Son, our salvation…. Our worry is settled when we realize it’s trusting Him over our flaws and misunderstandings or wonderings of this world and Him. He knows. He knows the contradicting, deceptive place we are living in and it’s all temporary for a reason.

I pray you take your Maker into consideration once more and that He shows Himself to you like He has graciously done for me.

Thank you for your time!

Uplifting, Reassuring Songs

…because, why not?